Deathstuck
by A-Realistic-Logical-Ideologist
Summary: Four friends - Touta, Halle, Wedy, and Sayu - play a game called Sburb, accidentally triggering the apocalypse. They meet the trolls Takada, Ide, Misa, Aizawa, L, Near, Mikami, Light, Naomi, Namikawa, Ooi, and Mello. Things just go downhill from there.
1. Matsuda

**This is an idea I've had for a while, so I've decided to put it into action. I don't own either Homestuck or Death Note. **

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 14th of December, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

** Enter name. **

"ZOOSMELL POOPLORD."

TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS.

** Try again. **

"TOUTA MATSUDA."

** Examine room. **

Your name is TOUTA. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

** Touta: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer. **

Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!

** Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST. **

Out of sympathy for Touta's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.

** Touta: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST. **

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS.

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest.

** Touta: Examine contents of chest. **

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

** Touta: Captchalogue smoke pellets. **

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining.

** Touta: Equip fake arms. **

You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.

** Touta: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster. **

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.

** Touta: Read note on drawer. **

This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.

** Touta: Take poster. **

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.

** Touta: Aquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy. **

You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.

But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS?

You guess it doesn't hurt to try.

** Touta: Take nails. **

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.

The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

** Touta: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk. **

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk...

It beckons.

** Touta: Combine the nails and hammer. **

You MERGE the top two cards.

The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.

** Touta: Use hammer/nails on poster. **

You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.

** Touta: Nail poster to wall. **

You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.

** Touta: Examine Con Air poster. **

PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?

** Touta: Examine Deep Impact poster. **

Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.

WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president? Now you've seen everything!

** Touta: Examine calendar. **

You've marked your birthday, the 14th of December. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

** Touta: Eat cake. **

You are sick to death of cake! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you.

** Touta: Examine incoming message. **

You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

** Touta: Open pesterchum. **

Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. She's sent you a message.

** Touta: Open message. **

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 -

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today  
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.  
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here  
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?  
TG: but  
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken  
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory  
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?  
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.  
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like  
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous  
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.  
TG: ok i can accept that  
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters  
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face  
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it  
TG: did you get the beta yet  
EB: no.  
EB: did you?  
TG: man i got two copies already  
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring  
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?  
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.  
TG: yeah  
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now  
EB: alright.

** Touta: Look out window. **

You see the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

** Touta: Examine mailbox. **

The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

** Touta: Go outside and check mailbox. **

You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He is beating you to the mail.

** Touta: Forget it. Check mail later. **

If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

Whatever. The girl can just hold her damn horses.


	2. GameBro, by Mail Jeevas

**...And, I'm back! If you've read Homestuck before, you know how slow Act 1 is, and since there's no way I'm doing whole acts in one go each, it'll be a while before we get to the good part. Sorry. ^^;; Anyways, I don't own Homestuck or Death Note. **

** Touta: Examine games on CD rack. **

You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.

** Touta: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT. **

You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet.

** Touta: Captchalogue fake arms again. **

What did you just say? You don't want to clog up your...

Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again.

** Touta: Set Pesterchum status to "bully". **

You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.

** Touta: Answer chum. **

TG: is it there  
TG: plz say yes  
TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it  
TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her  
TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything  
EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.  
TG: thank you  
EB: jk haha.  
EB: no, i don't have it yet.  
EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.  
EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.  
EB: it's so frustrating.  
TG: whats your modus  
EB: what?  
TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it  
EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.  
TG: stack? hahahahahaha  
EB: what is yours?  
TG: hash map  
TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome  
EB: what the hell is that?  
TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures  
EB: i guess.  
TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus  
EB: no.  
TG: it could free up a card for you  
TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle  
TG: which is never  
TG: what have you got  
EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.  
TG: wow you really suck at this dont you  
TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus  
EB: how?  
TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works

** Touta: Combine fake arms with cake. **

You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.

This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.

** Touta: Allocate hammer to strife specibus. **

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

** Touta: Select "HAMMER". **

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.

The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

** Touta: Report progress to TG. **

EB: ok, i did it.  
TG: hammerkind?  
EB: yeah.  
TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus  
TG: i guess i should have mentioned that  
EB: uh...  
TG: hope you like hammers dude!  
EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.

** Touta: Captchalogue Colonel's big book. **

Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

** Touta: Examine GameBro Magazine. **

"GAMEBRO"

"SBURB"

"WHY THE 'GAME OF THE YEAR' OR WHATEVER ISN'T AS GOOD AS STUFF I LIKE THAT'S BETTER."

** Touta: Read article. **

"So ok.

"SBURB is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.

"But I don't know. I'm like, so this is about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to _**thrash**_ anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, 'the mad stunts all wicked up-ins'?

"Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

"At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of The Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.

"So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't made for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Knight on account of Ron trucking his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.

"But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda.

"BRO NOTES

"Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn."

** Touta: Captchalogue GameBro. **

It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

** Touta: Captchalogue magician's hat. **

You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.

** Touta: Get funny glasses too. **

You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!

However, you are able to MERGE the BEAGLE PUSS with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a CLEVER DISGUISE.

** Touta: Wear clever disguise to fool dad. **

Touta? Who is this "Touta" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.


	3. Harlequins

**Hello, everyone, and I am back with more Deathstuck! I do not own Death Note or Homestuck, as you know. I probably never will, either. Also, the first music page is in this chapter. I can't play music on here, so if you want to listen to the track, you'll have to find the track elsewhere. The name is "Showtime".  
**

** Touta: Leave room. **

You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.

** Touta: Go downstairs. **

The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.

** Touta: Admire harlequins. **

You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real cornball.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.

** Touta: Examine fireplace. **

A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that this December is not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception.

As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that.

** Touta: Toss GameBro into fire. **

It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo.

** Touta: Fondly regard cremation. **

You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed PAPPA'S ASHES.

When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S.

He never wants to talk about it.

** Touta: Topple urn.**

You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. Ash is everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before DAD finds it.

** Touta: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise. **

You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.

** Touta: Examine oversized gift. **

Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.

** Touta: Open large present. **

Oh hell no.

** Touta: Captchalogue ashes. **

First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card.

** Touta: Combine ashes with urn. **

You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.

Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.

** Touta: Put urn back. **

No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.

** Touta: Go get fake arms again.**

You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the CAKE and captchalogue them.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again.

** Touta: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room. **

** Touta: Check Pesterchum. **

Another one of your chums is messaging you.

** Touta: Check message. **

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.  
EB: that's an ugly rumor.  
EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.  
EB: and you should probably stop hitting on her all the time or whatever.  
TT: I can't control myself.  
TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.  
EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.  
EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb  
TT: Touta.  
EB: what?  
TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?  
TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.  
EB: no, why would you even think that?  
EB: that's so stupid.  
TT: Ok.  
TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?  
EB: alright, wish me luck.  
EB: oh, btw...  
EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.  
EB: gotcha! hehehehe  
TT: I know, Touta.

** Touta: Go back downstairs. **

You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive.

** Touta: Attach arms to doll. **

Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.

** Touta: Inspect burnt paper on the floor. **

You put this back in the fire where it belongs.

** Touta: Throw present wrap in fire. **

As long as you're cleaning up...

** Touta: Captchalogue doll. **

You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it.

** Touta: Read Colonel Sassacre's text. **

You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.

But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it.

** Touta: Find dad and retrieve mail. **

The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts - a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.

The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time.

He could be in either room. Where will you go?

** Touta: Go in the study. **

It doesn't look like he's in here right now.

** Touta: Examine father's desk. **

On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the December issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.

** Touta: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack. **

You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking.

** Touta: Combine second pipe with clever disguise. **

Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.

You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.

How you suffer for your comedy.

** Touta: Examine captchalogue card. **

Yes! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA...

** Touta: Captchalogue captchalogue card. **

ARGH!

** [S] Touta: Play haunting piano refrain. **

(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)

** Touta: Play 52 Pick-Up. **

You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

SO STUPID. Look at this mess.

The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn.

** Touta: Attempt to leave the house. **

You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL.


	4. Install

**Hello, everyone, and welcome back to more Deathstuck! I do not own Death Note or Homestuck. The songs used in this chapter are called "Harlequin" and "Showtime: Imp Strife Remix".**

** Touta: Exit. **

You exit the house.

** Touta: Check mail. **

Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.

** [S] == **

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

** Touta: Leave a surprise for the mailman. **

N...

No!

** Touta: See if your father left the mail in the car. **

The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside.

** Touta: Spy in the kitchen. **

You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be?

Unfortunately, the window is locked.

** Touta: Go back into the kitchen. **

You have no other choice. You are going in.

CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic.

** [S] Touta: Enter. **

Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!

You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this.

** [S] STRIFE! **

** Touta: Retrieve the package and flee to your room! **

You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.

** Touta: Equip disguise for defense. **

The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.

** Touta: Captchalogue pie tin. **

You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were...

Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown.

** Touta: Take the cake!**

"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX.

Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!

** Touta: Abscond. **

Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.

** Touta: Take PDA. **

You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with.

** Touta: Take package. **

This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.

** Touta: Take envelope. **

You got the SBURB BETA!

** Touta: Exit kitchen. **

** Touta: Get cake on couch. **

You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card.

** Touta: Combine the two cakes to make a double decker cake. **

You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first?

** Touta: Retreat upstairs!**

You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE.

To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets.

** Touta: Go to the bathroom and grab a towel. **

You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.

** Touta: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake. **

You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.

You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods.

** Touta: Retrieve your items. **

The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.

And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying.

** Touta: Go to bedroom. **

** Touta: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster. **

You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!

** [S] Touta: Check Pesterchum. **

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -

GG: hi happy birthday touta! 3  
GG: helloooooo?  
GG: ok i will talk to you later! :D

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 -

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 -

TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden  
TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something  
TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies  
TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit  
TG: dude what are you doing  
- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! -  
EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.  
EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.  
TG: no stop  
TG: just no  
TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them  
TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold  
EB: mcconaughey.  
TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make  
TG: ie dumb  
TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up  
EB: those are my dad's.  
TG: i was talking about nick cage  
EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.  
TG: ha ha so lame  
TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it  
TG: hahaha  
EB: i do things ironically sometimes.  
EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?  
TG: no those are awesome  
EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?  
EB: wait...  
EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?  
TG: im wearing them ironically  
TG: because theyre awesome  
TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome  
TG: and vice versa  
TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool? jesus get a fucking pen  
EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.  
TG: ew yeah  
TG: oh well  
TG: anyway speaking of which  
TG: did you get the mail  
EB: yeah.  
TG: did there happen to be a package there  
EB: yeah, there's a big red one.  
TG: you should probably open it  
EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.  
TG: oh man the beta came  
EB: yeah! wanna play it?  
TG: haha no way  
EB: why not!  
TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that  
EB: where'd she go.  
TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess  
TG: probably be back online soon  
TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus?  
TG: seriously dude  
TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous  
EB: ok, i will.

** Touta: Open browser and go to **

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created.

The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.

** Touta: Install the Sburb beta. **

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA.


	5. Deploy

**Hello, all, and welcome back to more Deathstuck! Hooray! I don't own Death Note or Homestuck, as I'm sure you've noticed. (I think I'll stop putting that notice there in front of chapters from now on, since it's been assured that I never will own either.) The song used this time was "Sburban Jungle". **

What the fuck is this.

** Touta: Bone up on data structures. **

You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.

** Touta: Read Data Structures book. **

You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead.

** Touta: Get free Fetch Modus. **

You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK.

** Touta: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex. **

Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.

** Touta: Switch back to Stack Modus. **

You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much.

** Touta: Put down razor. **

Put it...

Down?

You're not quite sure you understand.

** Touta: Pick up two items. **

You captchalogue one of the CAKES.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: DEAD WEIGHT.

** Touta: Get other cake. **

The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.

Oh good lord.

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.

You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch.

** Touta: Get more stuff. **

You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.

There goes the FRESH TOWEL.

** Touta: Might as well grab those cuffs. **

You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.

Oh God dammit.

** Touta: Open up that package! **

You examine the package. It is from one of your internet chums.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The RAZOR! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't...

** Touta: Get razor. **

** Touta: Pick up package again. **

Let's take this from the top.

** Touta: Captchalogue glass shards. **

You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.

Your SYLLADEX rains devastation on your room from above.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon.

You should probably go get that stuff before you forget.

** Touta: Use the razor on the red package. **

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome.

** Touta: Check status of Sburb beta. **

It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.

** Touta: Look at moniter. **

** Touta: Check Pesterchum window. **

- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 -

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.  
TT: I'm going to try to connect.  
EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.  
TT: The rabbit?  
EB: SO SWEET.  
TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.  
EB: ha ha, what?  
TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?  
EB: oh the game, ok.  
EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?  
TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.  
EB: oh, ok then.  
TT: Why don't we get started?

** Touta: Press [ENTER]. **

** [S] == **

[Mouseover the interface buttons – Tsugumi Ohba.]

"Select"

"Revise"

"Deploy"

"Phernalia Registry"

"Grist Cache"

"Explore Atheneum"

"Alchemy Excursus"

** TT: Select magic chest. **

** TT: Zoom out. **

** TT: Drop chest. **

EB: whoa, what are you doing?  
TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.  
EB: is my magic chest on the roof now?  
TT: Yes.  
EB: :(  
TT: I will try to be more careful next time.

** Touta: Get the card. **

You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX. You can now opt for either the STACK or QUEUE modus any time.

You toggle between your FETCH MODI with gleeful abandon.

It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

You just hope he doesn't notice the MAGIC CHEST on the roof. Or all the shit you threw out the window, for that matter.

** TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room. **

EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?  
EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?  
TT: I'll give it a shot.  
EB: thx!  
TT: No luck.  
TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".  
EB: :C

** TT: Select Touta. **

You cannot select a PLAYER!

TOUTA abjures the meddlesome cursor.

** TT: Select bunny. **

** TT: Put the bunny back in the box. **

** TT: Revise room. **

** TT: Open Phernalia Registry. **

** TT: Deploy Totem Lathe. **

** Touta: Examine Totem Lathe. **

You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!

** TT: Open Grist Cache. **

TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".  
TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.  
TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.  
EB: wow, ok.  
EB: what do they do?  
TT: I think it's up to you to find out.  
TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.  
EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!  
TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.  
TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.  
EB: what?  
TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?  
EB: no!  
TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.  
TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?  
EB: oh man.  
EB: i think i might know where it is.

TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?  
TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.  
TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?  
EB: good idea!  
TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?  
EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.  
EB: but i think i have it under control now.  
EB: what modus do you use?  
TT: I like to use trees.  
EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.  
TT: It's not exceptionally practical.  
TT: But I think they are elegant.

** Touta: Stand in corner. **

** TT: Deploy Cruxtruder. **

** TT: Deploy Alchemiter.**

EB: why is the floor shaking?  
EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?  
TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.  
EB: sweet!  
EB: what is with all these big contraptions?  
TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.  
EB: huh.  
EB: to what end?  
EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?  
TT: That remains to be seen.  
TT: Maybe you should go investigate?

** Touta: Get PDA. **

You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.

The interface is oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, you mean harlequin wallpapers.)

The SERIOUS BUSINESS application is open. It seems your DAD uses it to keep tabs on various acquaintances... his fellow street performers, maybe?

You guess the performing arts must be pretty serious business after all.

** Touta: Install Pesterchum. **

This should be useful. Now you can keep tabs on your chums while you wander around the house.

** Touta: Go out to balcony. **

EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.  
EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.  
TT: The one you threw into the yard?  
EB: no, i am telling you.  
EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.  
TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?  
TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.  
TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?  
EB: what? no.  
EB: those were all accidents.  
EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!  
TT: Your bathroom is a mess.  
TT: Did you do that too?  
EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.  
EB: all this snooping nonsense!  
TT: There's a cake in the toilet.  
EB: yes. there is.  
TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.  
EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.  
TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?  
TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?  
EB: in your case, probably!  
TT: Sounds complicated.  
EB: anyway...  
EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.

** Touta: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner. **

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.


	6. Prototyping

**Hello, all, and welcome back to Deathstuck! The song used this time is Harlequin. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

** Touta: Look through telescope. **

It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.

** TT: Grab the soiled toilet. **

TT: Whoops.  
EB: whoops what?

EB: what was that noise?  
EB: is this something i should go investigate?  
TT: No, I have it under control.  
TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.

** Touta: Investigate. **

EB: augh!  
TT: I think I can patch it up.  
TT: Just give me a little space.  
TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?  
EB: the what?  
TT: The thing I put in your living room.

** Touta: Hope down the hole. **

You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.

** Touta: Get sledgehammer and card. **

You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You think it's cool that things don't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.

** Touta: Answer chum. **

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 -

GG: touta did you get my package?  
EB: oh hey!  
EB: no, not yet.  
GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box...  
EB: oh!  
EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.  
EB: he should be back soon.  
GG: great! so what are you up to today?  
EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.  
EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.  
GG: lol!  
GG: whats sburb?  
EB: oh, it is this game.  
EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.  
GG: whoa what was that?  
EB: what was what?  
GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!  
GG: it sounded like an explosion!  
EB: wow, really?  
GG: i will go outside and look...  
EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?  
GG: i will! :)

- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 -

** Touta: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder. **

EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?  
TT: There's a door there?  
EB: um, YEAH?  
TT: I didn't see it.  
TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.  
EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?  
EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.  
EB: hello?  
EB: what are you doing up there now?

TT: Oh fuck.

** Touta: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder. **

When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!

** TT: Put bathtub in driveway. **

On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.

** Touta: Scold TT. **

EB: you can see me, right.  
EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.  
TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.  
TT: Must be the weather.  
TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my father.  
TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.  
EB: haha, yeah I hear you.  
TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.  
TT: Quite a road to hoe there.  
TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.  
EB: i know!  
EB: what about going outside?  
EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.  
TT: That presents the same problem.  
TT: Also, it's raining, remember?  
TT: And dark.  
EB: It's dark already?  
TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.  
TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.  
EB: haha, um, ok.

** Touta: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer. **

TT: Need some help?

** TT: Pick up sledgehammer. **

EB: what is this thing?  
EB: and what is that clock counting down to?  
TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.  
TT: Hold while I read further.  
EB: ok.  
TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.  
TT: None progress much further than this point.  
EB: weird.  
EB: well, i mean it is a new game.  
TT: True.  
TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".

** Touta: Turn wheel again. **

You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.

** Touta: Get cruxite. **

TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.  
TT: Touta?  
TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.  
TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.

** TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card. **

** Touta: Get card. **

A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.

** Touta: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins. **

You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck.

EB: this thing keeps following me around.  
EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.  
TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".  
TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".  
TT: Twice, actually.  
TT: Whatever the hell that means.  
TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.  
EB: hmm, ok.  
EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!  
EB: also, fix my bathroom.

** TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite. **

** [S] == **

The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL.

EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.  
TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".  
TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.  
TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.  
EB: the clock is ticking.  
EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.  
TT: This unmitigated poppycock?  
EB: extravagant hogwash!  
EB: ok stop  
EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.  
EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.  
TT: The alchemiter?  
EB: ?  
TT: Try to learn the lingo.

** Touta: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter. **

There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!

The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs.

** TT: Explore Atheneum. **

Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.

** Touta: Captchalogue telescope. **

You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering.

The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.

** Touta: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter. **

You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.

Something is happening...

You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.

** Touta: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky. **

You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.

Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.

You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.

** Touta: High-five Kernelsprite. **

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

**Alright, this is an ending note thing. You probably know that some parts of Homestuck are hard to understand without the images. As I cannot include images on here, I'll have to explain some parts myself. When this happens, my text will be typed ((like this))****. As you probably missed that last part if you haven't read Homestuck in the past, I'll go ahead and tell you that Touta has spotted meteors coming his way. **

**Until next time! **


	7. Halle

**Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Deathstuck! The song used in this chapter is "Aggrieve". I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

** Touta: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist. **

It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

TT: Your dad is getting home.  
TT: Touta?  
TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?  
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.  
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.

** TT: Revise bathroom. **

**((Touta's father returns home to see the toilet in the front yard. He is confused.)) **

** Touta: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum. **

Two chums have been trying to message you.

** Touta: Answer chums. **

TT: I'm working on the bathroom.  
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.  
EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!  
TT: I see.  
TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?  
EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!  
TT: I think it's very likely.  
TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.  
TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.  
TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.  
TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.  
EB: wow, FASCINATING.  
EB: ?  
TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.  
TT: Try using the lathe.  
TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.  
EB: ok i'll do that.  
TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.  
TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.  
TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.  
TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.  
TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 -

TG: i heard you got the box  
TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you  
TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way  
TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you  
TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon  
TG: hey where are you  
EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.  
EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.  
TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game  
TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether  
EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!  
EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.  
EB: in the sky.  
EB: heading right for my house!  
TG: oh man  
TG: how big is it  
EB: i dunno.  
EB: big, i guess.  
EB: i gotta go!  
EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.  
TG: like the size of texas  
TG: or just rhode island  
TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us  
TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG  
TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick  
TG: OH SNAP  
TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter  
TG: you mean like the planet?  
TG: yeah  
TG: well its that big sir  
TG: hmm that sounds pretty big  
TG: i have a question  
TG: is it jupiter?  
TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter  
TG: OH SHIT  
TG: anyway later

** Touta: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe. **

You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels.

Now you just need something to lathe.

** Touta: Take cruxite to totem lathe. **

Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.

You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway.

**((TT moves the toilet back into the bathroom.))**

The perfect crime.

You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.

DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.

** Touta: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe. **

You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.

** Touta: Activate lathe. **

The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.

You take the TOTEM.

EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.  
EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?  
EB: hello?  
- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! -  
EB: uh...

**((Touta's bathtub falls into the hallway.)) **

**((Touta is now stuck in his room.)) **

A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...

Named...

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?

** Enter name. **

"FLIGHTY BROAD".

No, that wasn't it!

** One more time. **

"HALLE BULLOCK."

** Examine room. **

Your name is HALLE BULLOCK, although everyone calls you HALLE LIDNER instead. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

What will you do?

** Halle: Retrieve arms from the purple box.**

The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside.

** Halle: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed. **

Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach.

** Halle: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'**

You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!

These journals are for your eyes only.

** Halle: Get violin. **

You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.

** [S] Halle: Play a haunting refrain on the violin. **

You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!


	8. End of Act One

**Hello, everyone, and welcome back to more Deathstuck. The update took a while in comparison to my other chapters, but here it is! The song used is Sburban Impact.**

** Touta: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact. **

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

** Halle: Captchalogue knitting supply bag. **

You get the KNITTING BAG. It occupies the LEFT LEAF CARD under the VIOLIN, per the TREE MODUS'S alphabetical sorting method.

K V.

** Halle: Look out window. **

Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your DAD had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?

** Halle: Get laptop. **

You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.

L V. L K.

This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES.

K L. V L.

** Halle: Examine book on desk. **

"GRIMOIRE FOR SUMMONING THE ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS"

This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few.

** Halle: Take book. **

You take the GRIMOIRE.

G L, G K.

** Halle: Go explore the house. **

You leave your BEDROOM.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your father collects these awful things IRONICALLY. He must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind he stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your father's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.

** Halle: Tiptoe to observatory. **

You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the OBSERVATORY.

**((Halle's father's silhouette flashes by briefly.)) **

** Halle: Sneak by. **

This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time.

** Halle: Go through door. **

The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend.

** Halle: Hurry up to that observatory. **

** Halle: Try to connect! **

You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.

But removing it from the ROOT CARD causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

** Halle: See what you can observe. **

You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.

** Halle: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation. **

You'll need every advantage you can get.

** Halle: Access laboratory wifi network. **

There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.

One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently UNSECURED, requiring no password.

You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with Touta.

TT: I'm back.  
EB: hurry up and open my door!  
EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!  
TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.  
EB: ?  
TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.  
EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?  
EB: what good will that even do?  
TT: We'll see.  
TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.  
TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.  
TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].  
EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?  
TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.  
TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.  
TT: Now off you go.

** Halle: Remove door from hinges. **

There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.

** Halle: Put bathtub back. **

You probably should have just done this in the first place.

** Touta: Take totem to alchemiter. **

Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!

The KERNELSPRITE is getting awfully worked up about all this!

** Halle: Remove blocks. **

You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

** [S] Touta: Take bite of apple. **

**((The meteor heading for Touta suddenly impacts. He takes a bite of the apple.)) **

** END OF ACT 1.**


	9. BOY

**Hello, and welcome back to Deathstuck! We've finally began Act 2! Yay! Also, I'm thinking of changing my pen name, I just haven't decided what. I'm thinking something along the lines of "A Realistic, Logical Ideologist", but idk. Until I decide, it's just "TheWolfOfDoom". **

** Years in the future, but not many... **

HIROKAZU UKITA records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

**((Ukita comes across a platform of sorts with the Sburb logo on it.)) **

** Act 2 == **

"Sburb Beta Walkthrough

"Version 1.0, December 14, 2009

"By tentacleTherapist

"CAVEATS AND CONDOLENCES

"I'd be inclined to dispense with the trite even under less pressing circumstances. Needless to say I'll forego the inscrutable ASCII banner which typically heralds the striking freefall of these documents. I'll also resist the urge to brandish any copyright marks, or the particular neurosis that concerns itself with the theft of the utterly mundane – I'll allow other deranged prospectors to stake claims on their worthless plots as the wood burns around them. My introduction will be sparse. There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as we embark on this voyage together. Nor will there be any hamfisted prose whipping its limbs under a bedsheet like a retarded ghost, for that matter. I won't set the stage, or dim the lights. The mood, you will see, will be set soon enough.

"Since you are reading this, chances are you have installed this game on your computer already. If this is true, like many others, you have just participated in bringing about the end of the world.

"But don't beat yourself up about it. There was never anything you could have done to prevent it. The end is happening right now, as I type, and as you read. I have come to understand that we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you're lucky, you'll be along the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.

"What I mean is, while the game you installed is just one more grinding slab of rock sealing our planet's crypt, it is also your only hope to live. I'm presently faced with the same conundrum as you, and though I speak with more experience, my outcome is far from assured. I will 'play the game', as far as much of it as there is to play, and record my findings here. If you want to survive, you'll do as I instruct.

"My condolences.

"~TT"

** [S] == **

**((Touta's house is now standing alone on the ground. Aside from the yard, everything around the house seems to have disappeared, and the ground that his house stands on continues down a long way. The eyes of creatures begin to appear in the dark areas of the home.)) **

The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion.

** BOY. **

What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.

** [S] YOU THERE. BOY. **

** THIS LARGE CONTRAPTION. GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS IT BOY. **

The ALCHEMITER created the APPLE, or the tree that sprouted it rather, right on time to save you from destruction. You aren't sure if you can say the same for your neighborhood though.

You wonder what happened to your DAD?

** PEEK OVER THE RAILING. **

Getting close to the railing makes you a little nervous. It's a long way down.

** WHAT'S THAT. **

It looks different now.

After you took a bite of that APPLE, your whole house seems to have been transported somewhere. Then the APPLE disappeared and the KERNELSPRITE underwent a transformation. Aside from the change in appearance, the transformation doesn't seem to have any relevant ramifications.

** BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR AND WALK THROUGH IT. **

** THAT MAN WITH THE HUMOROUS SPECTACLES. ADMIRE HIM. **

Oh, Michael Cera. Your warm smile is a shining beacon in these dark times.

** WHAT IS DOWN HERE. PROCEED, BOY. **

** GO IN THERE NOW. **

** YOUR PLUMBING APPEARS FAULTY. **

Man, Halle did such a piss-poor job of fixing the bathroom. It almost certainly would be a mistake to try to use the toilet!

You guess you could just go pee over the edge of the cliff...

** PEER THROUGH THAT WINDOW. **

At least you backyard was salvaged too.

Sort of.

** LEAVE AT ONCE. **

** I AM NOT FOND OF THIS SMUG FELLOW. **

THE MAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND.

What do you have up your sleeve there, Anderson? 

Look at that poker face. He's not telling a soul!

** OPEN THIS. **

Your DAD's room is still locked!

** NO GO BACK. **

** I DETEST THIS! DISREGARD IT. **

The HARLEQUIN PAINTING?

You have that sentiment in common with Touta then, I suppose.

** A SMALL DESERT TRAY? USELESS. **

In retrospect, it was pretty funny when your DAD pied you like that. Gotcha'd by the old man!

** TOPPLE THIS URN IMMEDIANTLY. **

That would be disrespectful to your PAPPA! You won't do it! Or not intentionally at least!

You consider that it is fortunate he is no longer around to witness this sorrow. On the other hand, you would probably benefit from his elderly wisdom now...

** STOW LUMP OF SOOT FOR FUTURE USE, BOY. **

That stuff is really dirty and you don't want it!

Besides, you have it on good authority that a significant portion of it is comprised of asbestos.

** MOVE THIS ABSURD EDIFICE AND EXIT YOUR HOUSE, BOY. **

This thing weighs a ton! You'd honestly be surprised if the game cursor could lift it, or at least not without a significant amount of GRIST.

Of all the places for Halle to drop the infernal thing. More than ever you feel... what's the word you're looking for?

Of course. Housetrapped.

** HERE BOY. IN HERE. **

** THIS IS A MESS, BOY. **

You're so glad your DAD wasn't watching when you did this. He never would have let you hear the end of it.

** CONSUME NUT. **

You would, but you're not sure if this dark realm has any hospitals.

** RETURN TO THE LARGE ROOM WITH THE GROSS PAINTING. **

** THIS WAY. THROUGH THE DOORS LIKE YOU SEE IN A COWBOY SALON. **

** PEEK IN BOWL OF GOO. **

Wherever your DAD went, he seems to have left in a hurry.

For all his absurdities you have to put up with, you sure wish he were here right now.

** OPEN THIS DOOR NOW. **

** EXIT, BOY. **

** ADMIRE THIS WALL-MOUNTED GADGET. **

Through some mysterious force, your house seems to be powered, even though the wires are severed. Quite bizarre.

** BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND. **

For the last time, this boy's name is Touta!

** FINE. TOUTA. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS. **

You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.

** NOW TOUTA. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT. **

TT: Touta?  
TT: Are you there?  
- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! -  
EB: hey, yeah i'm here!  
EB: and not dead i think.  
TT: I know.  
TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.  
TT: You should have answered me sooner.  
EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!  
EB: have you seen him?  
TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.  
TT: We have more important things to address right now.  
EB: yeah, like where am i?  
TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.  
TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.  
TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.  
EB: wow, ok.  
EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?  
TT: Perhaps.  
EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!  
TT: Yes, but wait.  
TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.  
TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.  
TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.  
TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.  
EB: ok.  
TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.  
EB: wait, halle! one thing...  
TT: What?  
EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!  
EB: um... hello?  
TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.  
TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.  
TT: That said, happy birthday, Touta.  
EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!  
EB: anyway, thanks!

** FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE. **

The TOWEL? Why? 

Oh well, you're the boss. You captchalogue the TOWEL. What now?

** DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY. **

Touta makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

** WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING. **

You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.

** TOUTA. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT. **

Touta cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.

** I SEE. ==? **

Yes, that will suffice. 

Halle deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.

Halle expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.

** TOUTA RUN ACROSS THE PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY. **

Touta isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

** BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK! **

Touta is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

** FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES. **

You cautiously walk within range of the PDA. Halle retrieves it.

** NOW TAKE IT. **

You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.

Just one == command will suffice. Thanks.

It looks like you're not the only one trying to locate your father after the disaster.


	10. Pappa

**Hello, everyone. Sorry for the wait, but here it is – more Deathstuck! I have a lot of new story ideas (most of them involving Death Note), and I'll try to start them soon! I'll still try to keep this updated, though. **

** THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING. **

TT: Touta, are you ok?  
TT: You seem a bit tentative.  
EB: i'm fine i guess.  
EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.  
EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.  
TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?  
EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!  
TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.  
TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.  
TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.  
EB: Ok. I will go back inside.

** NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR. **

What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

Now you're just being a pest.

Which turnip truck did you just tumble out of, anyway?

Who are you?

** Years in the future, but not many... **

An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.

**((Ukita has climbed down. On a moniter, Touta can be seen. Ukita types in " BOY" and " YOU THERE. BOY.")) **

"An Examination of the Basics

"Upon connecting with the client player, you, the server user, will be met with a control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three are rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

"It's quite possible that you have deployed some of these items before reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated a machine called the 'cruxtruder' such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100] OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does as well.

"But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly, and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured head in the jaws of the lion.

"As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air. The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard the process as a sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to present themselves. But for now, the variety of the objects you are able to create remains quite limited.

"The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

"First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure not to block doorways or pathways with them. You can always 'revise' the dimensions of rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of 'build grist', a commodity which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and you'd be best advised to save for later.

"– THE CRUXTRUDER –

"Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of as especially ethnic wedding. Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question 'Who's mule is this?' at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

"But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe. The countdown begins, yes. Also, and entity called the 'Kernelsprite' is released. But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge. More on these things later.

"What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense 'cruxite dowels'. It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two following items are needed to do the carving.

" – THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD –

"It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

"Additionally, the card you may guess is 'punched', like the one used with antique computing systems. The patten of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is 'pre-punched' suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this has presented itself yet.

"But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

" – THE TOTEM LATHE –

"This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The instructions for the pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

"Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your 'key', which can then be used to 'unlock' the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will diverge from my key-making analogy to switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a terribly strenuous lep to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are essentially the same – one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of varying black lines.

" – THE ALCHEMITER –

"If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

"Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel results in the creation of a 'perfectly generic object', which is a seemingly useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist, ostensible used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possible offers some insight into the game's use of the term 'alchemy'.

"But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out to be essential.

"Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your only means of escape.

"When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.

In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency. The fire in the forest burns so hot, not even the rain is putting it out!

** Halle: Check status of battery. **

Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.

** Halle: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box. **

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?  
EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!  
TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.  
EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.  
TT: I doubt it matters.  
TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.  
EB: fine.  
EB: i GUESS.

The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!

** DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. **

Pipe down, you. This is Halle's decision, not yours!

** Halle: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text. **

EB: OH YES, SWEET!  
EB: now we're talking!  
TT: See if you can distract it.  
TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.

** TOUTA FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.**

The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.

The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!

In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, PAPPA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.

** INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT. **

You find the SACRED URN toppled again. This time you're quite sure it wasn't your fault!

The SPRITE is nowhere to be found.


	11. Hauntings

** Halle: Remove cruxtruder from doorway. **

EB: aw man, where'd it go?  
TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.  
TT: No time to worry about it.  
TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.  
TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.  
TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.  
EB: what, there's a fire?  
TT: There will be soon.  
EB: oh jeez!  
EB: so move this thing already!  
TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.  
TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.  
EB: how much do you have?  
TT: Zero.  
EB: oh.  
EB: hmm.  
EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!  
TT: I have a better idea.  
TT: Meet me upstairs.

** DO AGAIN AS THE PURPLE WORDS SAY. **

You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.

It was faint, but you could swear it was a small, lighthearted chuckle. Along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

** IGNORE THIS MAN'S ANTICS. **

You're not sure you even saw a man, let alone any of his hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.

You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.

** INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT. **

TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes  
EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!  
TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen  
EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!  
EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.  
EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandpa!  
TG: huh  
TG: for real  
EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!  
TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this  
EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.  
TG: no thisll be dope check it  
EB: no, i have to go! bye!  
TG: wait wait  
TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us  
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous  
TG: sending men in space for savin us  
TG: see which playa's more couragerous  
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce  
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it  
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it  
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous  
TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss  
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous  
TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous  
TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust  
TG: wait  
TG: uh  
TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he  
TG: ill have to make a rap about  
TG: i dont know  
TG: morgan freeman or something  
TG: being the president  
TG: itll be called  
TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"  
TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on  
TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

** ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT. **

You head out to the balcony to find out what Halle has in mind. She is messaging you again.

** THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT. **

TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.  
EB: whoa, ok.  
TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.  
EB: but the door is locked!  
TT: Then break a window.  
EB: but it's my dad's car :(  
TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.  
TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.  
EB: alright.

** Halle: Pick up car. **

**((Halle raises the car up beside Touta, but suddenly loses connection. The car falls back down and the ground it lands on breaks away and falls.))**

** RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE. **

You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen. You double check your PDA to make sure if Halle is really gone. Indeed this seems to be the case.

TG is still pestering you of course. But another chum is now logged in as well.

** WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS? **

GG: im back!  
EB: oh hi!  
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard  
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?  
GG: yes!  
GG: how did you know?  
EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!  
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?  
GG: no i am fine!  
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it  
GG: and its pretty big!  
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it  
GG: so i came home  
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!  
EB: well gosh, he's probably right!  
GG: anyway what have you been up to touta?  
GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O  
EB: er...  
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but halle dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.  
GG: oh no!  
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.  
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.  
GG: thats terrible touta! im so sorry!  
EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.  
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with halle, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.  
EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!  
GG: O_O  
GG: well...  
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...  
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!  
GG: i dont know touta maybe this is your destiny  
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!  
EB: wow, you think so?  
GG: yes!  
EB: well ok, BUT.  
EB: it's not even that simple!  
EB: i was about to connect to halle to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.  
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!  
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use her copy to save her!  
EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.  
GG: hahaha  
GG: she is so silly!  
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to her about it, so brb.

** THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN. **

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at  
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat  
TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"  
TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin  
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension  
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned  
EB: aaaaaarrrgh!  
TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick  
TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit  
TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint  
TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention  
EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!  
EB: i have something important to talk about.  
TG: whats up  
EB: halle is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!  
TG: ok  
EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.  
EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!  
TG: my copy?  
TG: thats going to be tough  
EB: why?  
TG: i lost it  
TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it  
TG: shit be embarrassing yo  
EB: i thought you said you had two?  
TG: well yeah  
TG: one is my brothers copy  
EB: ok, well get his then!  
TG: alright  
TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that  
EB: whatever.  
EB: also you might want to read halle's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.  
TG: oh man  
EB: what?  
TG: nothing really  
TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?  
EB: /ROLLS EYES

Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.

** Halle: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain. **

That would be such a waste of time!

Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP.

You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.

** Halle: Equip grimoire to strife specibus. **

That would be incredibly ill-advised!

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

You put the book down.

** Halle: Recaptchalogue your items! **

You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS.

The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.

** Halle: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus. **

You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.

You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.

Hey, careful with all that stuff!

** Halle: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves. **

That would also be a preposterous waste of time!

Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.

Such as...

** Halle: Consult the grimoire. **

FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end.

And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.

And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.

And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.

** Halle: Take items and proceed downstairs. **

You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.

You figure that's enough dilly-dallying. Time to get a move on!

** [S] == **

**((Halle leaves the observatory and looks up. It is raining, and meteors begin to fall.))**

You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How you hate this season.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley. Not that it is even April, making that quote rather irrelevant.

** Halle: Confront father in hall. **

Surely your father is lurking nearby. You should be prepared for an unpleasant confron...

OH PSYCHE


	12. Wedy

**I know that this took a while, especially in comparison to my usual updates. I'm sorry, but that's probably how it's going to be from here on out. Anyhow, enjoy! **

** What? **

There's this really cool girl, ok? She's standing around being all chill, like cool girls are known to do sometimes. A cool girl like this probably has a real cool name. But she probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. She'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet.

But you could always try to guess her name. And if you were right, she might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool girl's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.

** Enter name. **

"INSUFFERABLE PRI –"

**((The girl slices the name bar in half with her sword.))**

This girl doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.

** Try again. **

"MARY KENWOOD"

**((Mary's sunglasses sparkle.))**

** Examine room. **

Your name is MARY, although everyone calls you WEDY. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM December day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool girl like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.

What will you do?

** Wedy: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks. **

Nah.

** Wedy: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life! **

This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can't imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, you're quite sure no one you know is in any danger.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.

** Wedy: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable. **

You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen.

That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.

You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.

** Wedy: Examine closet. **

This is your closet. This is where you keep a lot of your crap.

Like that BOX. And that bottle of... what is that?

Is that...?

** Wedy: Check the blue box. **

This is the package that your friend Touta Matsuda sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago. It now contains nothing except a NOTE and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia which the box originally contained, and which you are now wearing to be IRONIC but also to be INCREDIBLY COOL IN A WAY SOMEHOW INTANGIBLY RELATED TO THE IRONIC NATURE OF THE ACCESSORY. You find it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people.

The BOX also included a signed photo of BEN STILLER which now proudly hangs above your closet. Proudly and IRONICALLY.

** Wedy: Take box. **

You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.

Your modus's current HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5

5 % 10 = 5

The BOX is captchalogued in card 5.

** Wedy: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet. **

Oh hell yes. It is an unopened container of APPLE JUICE. You thought you were all out. It is like fucking christmas up in here.

This is so great. You've got to tell Touta about this immediately. He'll be so excited.

** Wedy: Take juice. **

You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7.

2+1+1+2+1 %10 = 7.

** Wedy: Access Pesterchum and pester Touta. **

In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.

You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid's been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He'd be one happy camper.

**((Wedy opens Pesterchum.)) **

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 -

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today  
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.  
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here  
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?  
TG: but  
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken  
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory  
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?  
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.  
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like  
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous  
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.  
TG: ok i can accept that  
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters  
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face  
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it  
TG: did you get the beta yet  
EB: no.  
EB: did you?  
TG: man i got two copies already  
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring  
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?  
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.  
TG: yeah  
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now  
EB: alright.

** Wedy: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests. **

You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the NOVEMBER ISSUE.

You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.

In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.

** Wedy: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew. **

You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.

** Midnight Crew. **

"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?"

** Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes. **

"Masahiko Kida uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.

You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place."

** Masahiko: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots. **

"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.

A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage.

It's the sort of rage that'll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades."

** Wedy: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so. **

You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.

It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.

** Wedy: Save your place, read it later. **

Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later.

Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.

** Wedy: Answer chum. **

TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.  
TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.  
TG: what oh no  
TG: no look  
TG: im busy ok  
TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate  
TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?  
TT: I know.  
TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.  
TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that girl who has a blog."  
TG: seriously  
TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right  
TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate  
TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.  
TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?  
TG: yeah!  
TG: i mean damn  
TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet  
TG: an orphan or something i dont know  
TG: face flush on the pavement  
TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?  
TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off  
TT: Heavy is the crown.  
TG: yeah  
TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess  
TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!  
TG: among other things  
TG: i just give and fucking give  
TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.  
TG: oh for fucks sake  
TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game  
TT: Baseless accusation!  
TG: look i am telling you  
TG: matsuda is ALL ABOUT that game  
TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it  
TT: I know this very well.  
TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: ill hassle him some more about it  
TG: and look how about this  
TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play  
TG: will that make you happy  
TT: More than you know.  
TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.


	13. Passive-Aggressive

** TOUTA WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING. **

Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, Touta is spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolts him to attention.

Or maybe it is that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What is that?

** == ?**

A thick, unpleasant fluid pools from beneath the door.

** TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS. **

There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.

** Wedy: Play some hauntingly sick beats. **

You've had enough of the computer for a while. You feel like you've been messing around on it all week. It's time to get your jam on.

You pull up to your trusty AKAI MPC-1000 SAMPLER and prepare to get sicknasty.

** [S] == **

Left knob: volume for current sample.  
Right knob: master volume.  
Store patterns in F1, F2, F3... buttons.

** Wedy: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what Touta said. **

Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about. Soccer moms be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'?

After beats that fresh, it would be a crime not to reward yourself with a celebratory SWIG.

2+2+1+2 %10 = 7.

You can't do it!

Touta's got you all twisted up inside now. All you can think about is Mandel's gross monster piss.

Matsuda, you idiot!

You re-captchalogue the JUICE.

** Wedy: Allocate sword to strife specibus.**

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS! There is no need to allocate it.

You can wield your sweet NINJA SWORD as a weapon once it is in your STRIFE DECK. But you will have to captchalogue it first before moving it there.

** Wedy: Captchalogue sword.**

The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.

It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.

Argh!

** Wedy: Get a towel or something! **

You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.

You glance at one of the many RADICAL PUPPETS in your BRO'S collection and nod in approval.

Is there anything not awesome about your BRO? No, you think not.

You enter the bathroom. There's a damp towel on the floor you can probably use for this crisis.

You stop to pay a little respect to one of your BRO'S boys up there. Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?

** Wedy: Captchalogue damp towel. **

You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).

** Wedy: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp. **

Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.

It is now just a TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8).

** Wedy: Take towel. **

You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.

** Wedy: Clean up the juice. **

You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off.

In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.

This arrangement is a little disconcerting. If they fell out, it sure would be a stupid way to lose them.

** Wedy: Turn off the fan. **

The crisis is easily averted. You can't imagine it will ever resurface later in any way, shape, or form. That beta is as good as yours, forever.

You should probably go pester Matsuda again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It's probably not even humanly possi...

Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

You yell at the bird.

You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD. Everything goes flying out the window, dead bird and all.

No one can ever know about this.

** Wedy: Look out window. **

Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye. You feel sorry for the bird, but at least you never planned on ever using that beta, ever.

Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness is behind you, you guess you can look forward to several more hours of messing around in your room **((The picture suddenly switches to show a giant wizard statue.))** WHOA WAIT WHAT?

**((You are now Halle.)) **

You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room. You are standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED. Your father had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane.

Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled.

You find this grisly abomination utterly detestable.

** Halle: Psychoanalyze father's love of wizard. **

There is nothing to psychoanalyze. Your father clearly has no real affinity for these damnable things. He only collects them to spite you.

If anything, he finds them even more repellent than you do. He's just a committed man.

** Halle: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door. **

You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout. There is the sound of rushing water beneath the floor. It tends to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it's become hardly audible to you through familiarity.

There's the front door. But hopefully there's no need to make the long trek around the house in the rain. You might as well see if you can slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.

** Halle: View Father's solid copper vacuum statue. **

Ok, but it's bronze, not copper!

But it wasn't always. A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your DAD for father's day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of his ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

He "liked" the gift so much, he had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. He even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.

Sometimes at night when you are in your room, you can hear it wailing from downstairs. He MUST know you can hear it. He's completely deranged.

** Halle: Grab the Eldritch Princess. **

It's too big to captchalogue!

Not that you would want to move it anyway. The PRETTY PRINCESS DOLL has been sitting there for months, ever since your father got this abomination for your birthday as a totally PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE gesture.

You decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms. Now it brings a mischievous smile to your face whenever you walk by. Your father hasn't removed the doll yet, and probably never will. He would never be the one to blink first.

** Halle: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements. **

U L. U V.

You're going to have a hell of a time accessing that card when you need it. You guess you'll just cross that bridge later.

** Halle: Peek inside kitchen. **

The LIQUOR BOTTLES are out in full force. DAD is surely nearby.

** Halle: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen. **

That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.

This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your father bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.

Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together.

Your father then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.

Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, you left him a sincere THANK YOU NOTE, which you had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.

But part of it was touching the floor, so your father was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.

** Halle: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache. **

This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your father, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!

But it's hard to resist getting a little silly sometimes. Especially when you are absolutely positive no one is watching.

** Halle: Captchalogue W. **

W L. W V.

But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.

You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter's value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.

** Halle: Think of ways to one-up father.**

You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the man has you at a clear disadvantage.

Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there's no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W's as M's? Oh yes, that would burn.

But you've already done something with that W pack, and there's no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.

** Halle: Captchalogue velvet pillow. **

You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of FATHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before he notices it's gone.

Ve L. Ve Vi. Ve U.

But it causes your tree to be pretty badly unbalanced. It surely will AUTO-BALANCE itself in a moment.

And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD. That's one of the things you love about the TREE MODUS. The happy surprises.

** Halle: Head out the back door. **

Ok, enough's enough. Time to get goi **((Halle's father suddenly appears.)) **AUGH

You don't know how he does that. You're never safe in this house.

And of all things to be doing during a power outage. He's up to his IRONIC HOUSEHUSBAND routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madman.

** Halle: Hop over counter, landing in a roll. **

This bird's gotta fly!

**((Halle lands in some of her father's wizards.)) **

Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.


	14. Monsters, Maybe?

**The song used this time is Aggrieve. **

** Meanwhile, in the past again. **

You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.

But it's sort of hard to get any work done when people keep pestering you all day. You guess you better get that.

** Wedy: Answer chum. **

- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 -

GG: hi wedy!  
TG: hey sup  
GG: not much sup with you!  
GG: sis! hehehe  
TG: haha  
TG: good one  
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes  
GG: great! feeling cool today?  
GG: ms cool girl?  
TG: oh man you know it  
GG: sooooo cooooooool!  
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here  
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you  
GG: :D  
GG: so have you talked to touta today?  
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex  
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous  
GG: lol  
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!  
TG: what was it you use again...  
TG: wait nm  
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with touta

GG: :)  
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet  
GG: i think it did!  
TG: yeah?  
GG: and i think mine came too  
TG: so uh  
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?  
GG: no!  
GG: he will not open it  
GG: he will lose it!  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?  
GG: no its good actually!  
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it  
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!  
TG: see like  
TG: i never get how you know these things  
GG: i dont know  
GG: i just know that i know!  
TG: hmm alright  
GG: anyway i have to go!  
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking  
TG: man  
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off  
GG: heheheh!  
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!  
TG: yeah  
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok  
GG: ._.  
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain  
GG: it is usually...  
GG: intense!  
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family  
TG: but he sounds like a total badass  
GG: yeah he totally is!  
GG: anyway gotta go!  
TG: see ya  
GG: 3

** Wedy: Get phone. **

It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you. This way you can TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18%10 = 8) people no matter where you are or what outrageously cool thing you're up to.

**((The towel is ejected from the sylladex and falls on your head.))**

SO.

COOL.

** TOUTA, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM. **

And even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of.

Once again, the slippery antagonist eludes you. You only find more of these unpleasant oily smears.

Someone is pestering you. Both your PDA and computer register the message.

** THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. **

TG: alright  
TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game  
EB: oh, good!  
EB: yeah, there is no sign of halle yet, i hope she is ok  
TG: well if she comes back ill be ready  
TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly  
TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle

TG: and they always do  
EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?  
TG: FU  
TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword  
TG: end of story  
EB: ok i don't really care.  
EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.  
EB: like monsters or something.  
TG: howie?  
EB: haha I WISH.  
TG: dude monsters arent real  
TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies  
EB: maybe. yeah you're right.  
TG: what are you an idiot  
TG: of course there are monsters in your house  
TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on  
TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes  
TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"  
TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it  
TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet  
TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"  
TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there  
EB: ok ok stop!  
EB: what do i do?  
TG: what do you have a hammer  
TG: man so lame  
TG: ok whatever  
TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex  
TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds  
TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice  
EB: hmm...  
EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.  
EB: how's it going there?  
TG: im out in the living room hes usually here  
TG: but i dont see him  
TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit  
TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far  
EB: hahaha.  
EB: oh god.  
EB: SO LAME.  
TG: what  
EB: see...  
EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.  
EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.  
TG: oh lil cal? no man  
TG: lil cal is the shit  
EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.  
TG: yeah bullshit  
TG: cal is dope  
TG: puppets are awesome  
TG: touta matsuda blows  
TG: the end  
EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!  
EB: i'm going to read.  
EB: good luck with your bro.

** READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES. **

Pff. Monsters.

Only retarded babies who poop in their diapers believe in that stuff.

** [S] Halle: Youth roll right out the front door. **

**((Halle is blocked by her father and they strife.)) **

It looks like DAD has satisfied his [S] STRIFE! quota for the day. He simply returns to his housework.

No point in going out the front door anymore. Might as well head out the back, like you originally planned.


	15. Confirmed

**The songs used are "Showtime: Imp Strife Remix" and "Skies of Skaia".**

** Halle: First, be the pony. Second, trample Dad. **

You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!

But you give the pony a begrudging pat on the snout anyway.

Her name is MAPLEHOOF.

** TOUTA TURN AROUND!**

**((Touta is reading Data Structures for Assholes.))**

You're TRYING to read, ok? This book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in your head nagging you to do things.

Besides, I thought we already agreed there's no such thing as monsters.

** ==!**

Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.

** [S] ======!**

** Halle: Exit. **

You leave through the back door.

Nearby is the TRANSFORMER which distributes electricity from the UNDERGROUND GENERATOR powered by the river flowing beneath your house.

The transformer was struck by lightning though, and no longer works. You wonder if your father has any plans to have it fixed. You guess he'd rather just play his mind games in a dark house like a weirdo.

You can see the MAUSOLEUM and the PORTABLE GENERATOR across your back yard. You're almost there.

** Halle: Use umbrella. **

**((Halle takes out her umbrella. All her others items fall to the ground.)) **

You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.

** [S] GET UP TOUTA, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER. **

**((Touta begins to fight the imp again, only to be beaten. Again.))**

** Halle: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum. **

Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind. It's just a stupid magnet.

** [S] TOUTA, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!**

**((Touta manages to kill the imp this time, and collects grist for it.))**

** YOU SAID **

**((Touta picks up the bunny.)) **

** PUT THE BUNNY**

**((Touta holds the bunny over the box.)) **

** BACK IN**

**((He reaches it up higher.))**

** THE BOX!**

**((He throws in the bunny. It falls through the bottom.)) **

Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?

** NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS. **

The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER. You are now a PLUCKY TOT, with a new feather in your cap to show for it.

The ECHELADDER rewards your bold ascent with 125 BOONDOLLARS. You waste little time in storing them in your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.

Additionally, climbing the rungs has boosted your GEL VISCOSITY and CACHE LIMIT.

By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected. You now have 32 fragments of BUILD GRIST, and 10 fragments of SHALE.

** WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD. **

It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.

Sort of a stupid thing to use for a weapon, but you might as well grab it, and stick the BUNNY in your STRIFE DECK while you're at it. It will at the very least be safer there.

** OK. **

You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.

** GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER. **

Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance. You didn't even notice in the heat of the battle.

You grab the SLEDGEHAMMER HANDLE, expelling the useless HARLEQUIN FIGURINE.

** NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER. **

You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.

The smaller HAMMER HANDLE is ejected from the deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belong in there. Obviously.

** FINE. NOW WHAT**

Wedy is pestering you. But you don't have time to deal with her nonsense right now.

Something is amiss in your room. You can't quite put your finger on it...

** Halle: Hurry up and activate the generator! **

You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.

It of course would be foolish to run the GENERATOR inside a confined space. GENERATOR SAFETY is everyone's business.

** Halle: Defile tomb. **

Sorry, Jaspers. Have to make space for the LAPTOP.

Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should have decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a tiny, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin built for infants.

** Halle: Plug in your laptop. **

You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.

Everything predictably falls out of your SYLLADEX, but you're not about to get bent out of shape about it. You have bigger fish to fry.

Looks like Wedy noticed you're back online. She pesters you like clockwork.

And there's Touta. What on earth is he up to now?

** THE DOOR, TOUTA. LOOK AT THE DOOR. **

You're right. Didn't Halle yank the door off its hinges and prop it on your bed?

Someone or something has put it back and left it slightly ajar.

** INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE. **

HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

** [S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS**

**((Pappasprite suddenly appears.)) **

** Halle: Pester Touta. **

TG: oh there you are  
TG: touta said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what

TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.  
TG: oh well thats a relief  
TG: touta told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now  
TT: Working on it?  
TG: yeah my bros copy long story  
TG: hey  
TG: dont tell touta this but i think he might have been right about the puppets  
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little  
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?  
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all  
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever  
TG: or semi-semi ironic  
TG: man i dont even know  
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up  
TT: I've seen his websites.  
TT: I like them.  
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD  
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that  
TG: with those dead eyes jesus  
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out  
TT: Interesting...  
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream  
TG: youre going to have a field day with that  
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.  
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.  
TG: yeah im gonna get moving  
TG: oh have you heard from touta  
TG: hes not answering me  
TT: He won't answer me either.  
TT: But I am watching him.  
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandfather, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: alright im out  
TG: later

** INTERROGATE THIS MADMAN. **

TOUTA: um... pappa?  
PAPPASPRITE: Yes, lad!  
TOUTA: wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!  
PAPPASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!  
TOUTA: well, i guess it was a really great prank. good one pappa.  
TOUTA: anyway, are you REALLY my dead pappa?  
PAPPASPRITE: Of course, Touta! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!  
TOUTA: ok, i guess i will take your word for it. i don't remember you at all! my dad said i was really young when you died.  
TOUTA: hey speaking of which, do you know where he is? i looked everywhere for him!

PAPPASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!  
TOUTA: oh no!  
PAPPASPRITE: When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened.  
TOUTA: what? ok, so what is the medium you are talking about?  
PAPPASPRITE: It is where we are now! A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe.

TOUTA: you mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something?  
PAPPASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?  
TOUTA: well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh...  
PAPPASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! Of course I know what a computer is, Touta! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo!  
TOUTA: oh, ok.  
PAPPASPRITE: No, Touta. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!  
TOUTA: i'm not sure i get it, but alright.  
TOUTA: so what do i actually need to be doing here?  
PAPPASPRITE: I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!

** [S] GO ON. == **

PAPPASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.  
PAPPASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!

PAPPASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!

PAPPASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.  
PAPPASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!

** ME? == **

TOUTA: ME?

PAPPASPRITE: Yes, you, Touta!

PAPPASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".

PAPPASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!

PAPPASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!

PAPPASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.

PAPPASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!

** A QUEST OF FULITILITY THEN. == **

TOUTA: wow, really? then what's the point?

PAPPASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!

TOUTA: whoa!

PAPPASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!

TOUTA: how am i supposed to get up there?

PAPPASPRITE: You build!

** ==!**

TOUTA: ok, i think i get it now!  
TOUTA: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad!  
PAPPASPRITE: Yes, Touta!  
TOUTA: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!  
PAPPASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!

** ==? **

PAPPASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!  
TOUTA: oh...  
PAPPASPRITE: Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!  
TOUTA: and that is?  
PAPPASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

** YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT. **

PAPPASPRITE: Touta, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed.  
TOUTA: thanks, pappa.  
PAPPASPRITE: You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!  
TOUTA: hooray!  
PAPPASPRITE: I am going to go bake you some cookies.  
TOUTA: ...


	16. Walkthrough

**Sorry this took so long! I've been procrastinating. ;n;**

** THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HIM. **

Oh God dammit, that's just what you need. More baked goods.

** TOUTA YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM. **

You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.

You're so busy abjuring, you don't even notice Rose has been trying to pester you this whole time.

** Halle: Hit Touta in the head with box to get his attention. **

You give Touta a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he is undeterred!

That is some fit he is throwing.

Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Pappasprite's strange tale. It may also behoove you to record your thoughts on these developments in your GameFaqs walkthrough/journal. It can be hard finding time to update it. In fact, you're not even sure where you found the time to write what's already there!

Oh is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?

The last thing you need is sass from a dead cat. It's pretty much all his fault you're in this mess in the first place, so he can just button it.

** TOUTA. COOKIES. NOW.**

You refuse outright!

** THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES!**

**((Touta buries his face in his pillow, shaking his head.))**

Well when you put it so politely, how can Touta decline?

** MATSUDA YOU IDIOT.**

You really need to work on your manners.

** IDIOT IDIOT STUPID. **

**((Touta walks away, sticking out his middle finger.))**

That's not a command. It's nothing.

It's stupid.

You're stupid.

** FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy**

It's just not going to happen buddy!

** Years in the future... **

But really not enough to write home about.

An agitated finger slips mid-keystroke.

**((An odd container opens, revealing cans. Hirokazu Ukita picks them up excitedly, then looks at his copy of the book "Human Etiquette".))**

**((Halle's walkthrough of Sburb.)) **

I may have been a bit hasty in advising yoy not to bother with the prototyping process. If I spared any detail, it was only to optimize your chances of survival. And if you find yourself begrudging the absence of certain instructions, which if followed would have resulted in your demise, then I guess that makes two of us.

Otherwise, you're welcome.

But the fact appears to be that prototyping the Kernelsprite before making your gateway mat offer the only opportunity to exercise control over your new environment, a place known as The Medium. Also, if prototyped with one (or two) sufficiently – albeit loosely – humanoid and/or sentient element/s (living or otherwise), it offers the chance to have all of this explained to you by an apparitional guide through whatever sort of cryptic, sketchy doublespeak your choice of prototyping element/s engender/s. In lieu of this, you may be forced to settle for my clear, thorough explanations and assiduous dissection of raw data.

Again, don't mention it.

If you have made it to The Medium with an unmolested Vanillasprite, well, I've already covered the bad news about this "missed opportunity", and I will go into this further soon. Though to what extent this is bad news, I'm not sure. I know only the result of my co-player's current configuration, wherein the sprite was prototyped once before the departure, and once after. Which brings us to the good news, which is that you can still prototype after your departure, and salvage the massively rewarding experience of haggling with an exposition-slinging phantom guide, so long as you avoid prototyping it with terribly inert items, such as a brass doorknocker and your father's porn collection.

Actually, that might be interesting. If you are struck by the spirit of such experimentation, please don't hesitate to contact me about it.

So, yes, you can enhance your sprite in this way, but doing so after your departure will no longer induce this "effect" on The Medium I alluded to. That can only be accomplished with one or more pre-departure prototypings. In fact, we can extrapolate that there are only so many ways to prototype a sprite.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:

- Both before

- One before, one after

- Both after

- Only one, either before or after

- None

These occurring before will affect the Medium through the kernel's "hatching" process, and your guide, i.e. the sprite. Those occurring after will only affect the sprite.

The effects this process has on The Medium, or more globally, The Incipisphere, are still vague to me. They have to do with flavoring the forces you will struggle against, and generally, all forces at odds with each other in this realm. It has given me some insight into the nature of the game, which again I derive through extrapolation. We appear to be engaging an instance of a dimension with a highly flexible set parameters, and a series of objectives surrounding and equally flexible mythological framework. This framework seems to begin as a sort of blank template, and evolves with the players' actions, and likely further evolves with the addition of more host/client connections, and thus more prototyped kernels.

I regret to say that I can't be more specific than that, without loosely extrapolating further. There are plenty of questions that have occurred to me, however. Questions concerning the Kernelsprite, which I've raised implicitly already, such as what is the effect of an un-prototyped kernel on The Medium? Or a double-prototyped kernel, for that matter? And even more salient are questions about this dimension itself. Do all players world-wide make it to this dimension if they successfully complete their departure? Or is a unique "blank" instance of the dimension created for each player? I have no evidence, but instinct tells me it is closer to the latter situation. There is no indication of any other players present in this realm. Alterations in the realm seem singularly centered on the actions of my co-player and myself. If I had to stake anything on it, I would guess every separate client/server pair activates its own fresh copy of an Incipsphere, or a unique "session", if you will.

But the quantity of players is a further complication which invites more questions. It seems the game was designed to suit two players most naturally, the server and the client. But through a mishap, my co-player and I have slipped out of the obvious tandem arrangement, and the only logical course of action to continue playing is to string up a daisy-chain of server/client connections together, until presumably the chain is complete. Theoretically, we could complete this chain with only one other player, functioning as the server to my client, and the client to my current co-player's server (assuming he can recover it).

The strange thing is though, in our instance of this dimension, there are four receptacles for divided kernels, not three. Does this mean we are "destined" to have a four player chain? How could the game "know" such a thing?

Perhaps it does, and if this proves to be the case, I trust I will be sufficiently numbed to the realization. I can consider nothing about this game surprising at this point, and in fact from the first moments of play, it manage to deviate so far from my expectations that I completely forgot what my original purpose with it was. I had chances to test some information I had gained on good authority during the prototyping phases, but it completely slipped my mind. Instead, the game's catacombs securing the dark twisting paths to necromancy were blundered rather on accident.

But perhaps you don't need to know any of this.

[rethink organization? lead may be waist deep in logorrheic sludge. trim down. bleh.]

She's not finished with this yet! Jeez, cut her some slack.

Maybe you could go bug someone somewhere else for a while? Or at the very least, somewhen else.


	17. Puppets

**So, updates on this will definitely be less frequent now. I'll try to update as often as I can, but I don't always have access to a computer (at least, not as much as I did over summer break), but I can try. **

**Months in the past, but not many...**

TT: Hello, and thanks.  
GG: did you get toutas present yet?  
TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned.  
GG: yeah i know!  
GG: what will you make with it?  
TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made?  
GG: well touta did tell me what it was duh...  
TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft.  
TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture.  
TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks.  
GG: oh but halle i dont think he meant anything like that by it!  
GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and wedy always do  
TT: Maybe.  
TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it?  
GG: yep!  
GG: i finally finished a present for him  
GG: ive been working on it for years!  
TT: Years?  
TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking.  
TT: Or if you're even capable of it.  
GG: heheheh... :)  
GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time  
GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!  
TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value.  
TT: That should burn him.  
GG: i dont think you really mean that!  
TT: I guess not.  
TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into?  
GG: err...  
GG: no :(  
GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for _  
GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box!  
TT: Oh?  
GG: it is a tip!  
TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on.  
GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died?  
TT: Yes.  
GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot?  
TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on.  
TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm.  
GG: ummmmm ok...  
GG: thats fine!  
GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just...  
GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life?  
TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism.  
TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively:  
TT: Is that someone you?  
GG: yes that someone is me!  
GG: i just thought you might find it interesting  
TT: So what is this game?  
GG: oh i dont know  
GG: im just saying is all  
GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to touta and wedy about it  
GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!  
TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time.  
TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with Touta's present.

** Wedy: Get katana. **

You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.

But first, maybe...

Just maybe...

** [S] Wedy: Retrieve dead bird.**

**((Above Wedy's apartment, meteors are falling out of the sky.))**

Dude, that bird is long gone. It probably won't last long in this heat anyway.

You don't even know what's up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won't step off. It's staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It's meant to rain this season but there ain't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little  
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles  
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle  
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

When the pimp's in the crib ma  
Drop it like it's hot  
Drop it like it's hot  
Drop it like it's hot..."

-English Romantic poet, John Keats

** Wedy: Exit your room, and go into the living room. **

**((Wedy takes down a puppet from above the door.))**

Sorry little dude, coming through. Gotta put you down for a bit.

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

** Wedy: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon.**

**((The face of a doll of Mr. T appears.))**

You barge in and see a familiar face. A friendly face.

You stand in the living room. Your BRO spends most of his days in here. At night he crashes on the FUTON over there. You don't see him anywhere though.

There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs. But when he's home he usually leaves CAL on display somewhere. And with good reason cause CAL is totally sweet.

So sweet.

Man.

** Wedy: Pity da fool.**

It's your brother's MR. T PUPPET, which of course is kept in the apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with your BRO's exploits, this is no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian TIER 1 IRONIC GESTURE which is a meager single step removed from sincerity. This is like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny like eight years ago to joke about Mr. T and how he was sort of lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was also sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke is the joke, and that degree of irony itself is ALSO the joke, and so on.

Only highly adept satirical ninjas like you and your BRO can appreciate stuff like this. It's cool taking stuff that other people think is funny but you know really isn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which are utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.

Also, for good measure, Mr. T is wearing a LEATHER THONG and handcuffed to a pantsless CHUCK NORRIS PUPPET.

God you hope you can be as good as your BRO at this some day. You'd never tell him that though.

** Wedy: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps.**

CAL's nowhere in sight. All you see is a bunch of your BRO's weird nude puppets strewn around haphazardly.

You...

You guess these things are kinda cool.

Sort of...

** Wedy: Play a game on the Xbox.**

It looks like your BRO was playing. It's not like him to leave in the middle of some totally intense gaming.

Not like him to misplace CAL either... man you hope the little guy's alright.

Oh there you are dude. Didn't see you there.

We be chill today, Cal? Yeah you better fuckin' believe we be chill.

Cal is the man.

** Wedy: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.**

You fail to resist the urge.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

But you get stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or a piece of the wall? You'll have to reset.

Fuck this shit.

** Wedy: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump. **

Aw man you almost forgot. Gotta give the C-man some props.

** Wedy: Check out your BRO's sweet gear. **

Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here's his computer setup. He's usually got a lot of stuff cooking on here at any given moment.

Since he's not around you might as well sneak a peep.

** Wedy: Look at your brother's computer.**

Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.

Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.

You enter the password. On the desktop is a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he's working on. No one can decipher his organization system but him.

He also tends to use the application COMPLETE BULLSHIT to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitors to stay hip to the scene.

** Wedy: Open Complete Bullshit. **

This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

** Wedy: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.**

Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You navigate to the LATEST COMIC in one of the many BULLSHIT FEEDBANDS.

** Wedy: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump.**

Another one of your BRO's many ironic websites. The difference here is he rakes in thousands of dollars a month through this enterprise.

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

** Wedy: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta. **

You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough. Better get a move on before it's too late for Halle, or worse yet, your BRO catches you.

But my God... the rumps. They are transfixing.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.

Oh. Uh...

Hey...

Hey there, Cal.

** Wedy: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.**

You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.

Without losing your cool of course.

** Wedy: Pester Touta to ease your nerves.**

You get Matsuda on the line again to give him the lowdown on your progress. You feel it's important to keep the wires hot.

But he's not answering. You wonder what that guy is up to.

TG: hey what is up  
TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it  
TG: where are you man  
TG: anyway  
TG: things are cool here  
TG: totally cool  
TG: puppets are still awesome  
TG: no problems with them or anything  
TG: like  
TG: just  
TG: really really awesome

Looks like Halle is finally logged in again.

Didn't Touta say her house was burning down? You wonder if she's on fire yet or what.

** Wedy: Pester Halle.**

TG: oh there you are  
TG: touta said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what  
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.  
TG: oh well thats a relief  
TG: touta told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now  
TT: Working on it?  
TG: yeah my bros copy long story  
TG: hey  
TG: dont tell touta this but i think he might have been right about the puppets  
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little  
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?  
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all  
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever  
TG: or semi-semi ironic  
TG: man i dont even know  
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up  
TT: I've seen his websites.  
TT: I like them.  
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD  
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that  
TG: with those dead eyes jesus  
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out  
TT: Interesting...  
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream  
TG: youre going to have a field day with that  
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.  
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.  
TG: yeah im gonna get moving  
TG: oh have you heard from touta  
TG: hes not answering me  
TT: He won't answer me either.  
TT: But I am watching him.  
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandfather, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.  
TG: hahahahaha  
TG: alright im out  
TG: later


End file.
